Self-compassion is foundational
Self-compassion is foundational to any change that we want to make in our mental health. But what is self-compassion? How does it differ from self-care?
The more I work with clients and work on my personal growth, the more strongly I believe that self-compassion is foundational to any change that we want to make in our mental health. But what is self-compassion? How does it differ from self-care?
I checked out The Science of Mindfulness and Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff and Shauna Shapiro (2019) from the library. It’s a recording of a weekend-long workshop they hosted (which makes it a good listen for a long car drive). Much of the information that follows is drawn from them.
To start, let’s define compassion. It’s generated from the Latin words for “with” + “suffering.” What makes the compassion we feel for another human different from, say, pity, is that we:
see the person,
can notice their suffering non-judgmentally, and
have a desire to help.
What Neff and Shapiro illustrate so aptly is that we tend to have the most compassion for those that we have a bit of distance from, like our friends, and be hardest on ourselves. We can also sometimes be pretty critical of those we’re quite close to, like our partner(s), kid(s) or parent(s). So how can we be with our own suffering? We must hold ourselves with the acceptance and gentleness that we’d hold another.
It sounds like a nice idea, but we can be up against a lifetime of conditioning, so how do we start?
I particularly appreciate Neff’s take on the yin and yang elements of self-compassion. The qualities of yin are soft, gentle, calm, restorative, slow and dark — the most obvious examples of this to me would be giving yourself a break by taking a quiet bath by candlelight, or lying in savasana with a bolster supporting the backs of your knees and an eye pillow. By contrast, yang (pronounced “yong”) energy is bright, hard, fast, action, courageous — picture yourself jumping out of bed in the morning, grabbing a strong cup of coffee, telling yourself it’s time to get shit done and going for it. True and meaningful self-compassion requires both elements: taking action and taking rest.
So, how do we know if strengthening our self-compassion might be therapeutically helpful? Perhaps if you:
notice negative self-talk: we get fixated on judging and blaming ourselves for things, noting our deficiencies, comparing ourselves to others, and we never measure up.
believe that things are your fault when maybe it takes two to tango.
you feel hopeless, lack confidence, or think that others would be better off without you.
And how might we grow our self-compassion? As a therapist, of course, I’d want to adapt this to your goals for therapy, but you could get on the right track with:
getting curious about what it would be like to accept yourself as you are instead of constantly striving to be different.
develop a regular mediation practice.
interrupting your negative self-talk with something positive about yourself that feels true. Turning your focus inward to see where you feel that trueness in your body.
following through on commitments you made to yourself or others, like getting some exercise, not eating a food or consuming anything else that doesn’t feel good in your body.
writing a letter to yourself as if you were a caring friend.
forgiving yourself for something you regret doing in the past. This might include noticing what you value and seeing how that might have informed a past choice.
If self-compassion sounds like an avenue for a more fulfilling life, I’d be happy to talk more about it.
Recommended Resources
Books
Heart Minded: How to Hold Yourself and Others in Love by Sarah Blondin (2020)
Radical Compassion: Learning to Love Yourself and Your World with the Practice of RAIN by Tara Brach (2020)
Hardwiring Happiness: The New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm, and Confidence by Rick Hanson (2013)
The Kindness Method: Changing Habits for Good Using Self-Compassion and Understanding by Shahroo Izadi (2018)
Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff (2011)
The Yin and Yang of Self-Compassion: Cultivating Kindness and Strength in the Face of Difficulty [Audio CD] by Kristin Neff (2019)
The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive by Kristin Neff & Christopher Germer (2015)
All Along You Were Blooming: Thoughts for Boundless Living by Morgan Harper Nichols (2020)
Good Morning, I Love You: Mindfulness and Self-Compassion Practices to Rewire Your Brain for Calm, Clarity and Joy by Shauna Shapiro (2020)
Guided meditations
Podcasts, blog posts and videos
Academic Resources for Fellow Therapists
Desmond, T. (2015). Self-compassion in psychotherapy: Mindfulness-based practices for healing and transformation. Norton. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2015-45689-000
Dreisoerner, A., Junker, N. M., & van Dick, R. (2021). The relationship among the components of self-compassion: A pilot study using a compassionate writing intervention to enhance self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Journal of Happiness Studies, 22(1), 21–47. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10902-019-00217-4
Neff, K. D. (2023). Self-compassion: Theory, method, research and intervention. Annual Review of Psychology, 74: 193-217.
Neff, K. & Germer, C. (2022). The role of self-compassion in psychotherapy. World Psychiatry, 21(1), 58–59. https://doi.org/10.1002%2Fwps.20925
Neff, K & Neff & Seppälä, E. (2017). Compassion, Well-being, and the hypoegoic self. In K. W. Brown & M. Leary (Eds). Oxford handbook of hypo-egoic phenomena: Theory and research on the quiet ego. Oxford University Press.
Neff, K., & Shapiro, S. (2019). The science of mindfulness and self-compassion: How to build new habits to transform your life [Audio CD]. Sounds True.
Ostafn, B. D., Robinson, M. D. & Meier, B. P. (Eds.). (2015). Handbook of mindfulness and self-regulation. Springer.
Pastore, O. L., Brett, B, & Fortier, M. S. (2023). Self-compassion and happiness: Exploring the influence of the subcomponents of self-compassion on happiness and vice versa. Psychological Reports, 126(5), 2191–2211. https://doi.org/10.1177/00332941221084902
Pickard, J. A., Deane, F. P., & Gonsalvez, C. J. (2023, November 13). Effects of a brief mindfulness intervention program: Changes in mindfulness and self-compassion predict increased tolerance of uncertainty in trainee psychologists. Training and Education in Professional Psychology. Advance online publication. https://dx.doi.org/10.1037/tep0000466
Rosenthal, S. R., Gately, K. A., Philippe, S. G., Baker, A. B., Dawes, M. P., & Swanberg, J. E. (2023, November 13). Everyday discrimination and mental health among sexual and gender minority adults: The moderating role of self-compassion. Psychology of Sexual Orientation and Gender Diversity. Advance online publication. https://dx.doi.org/10.1037/sgd0000676
Wollast R., Lacourse É., Mageau G. A., Pelletier-Dumas M., Dorfman A., Dupéré V., et al. (2023). Trajectories of self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness during the COVID-19 pandemic: A person-oriented multi-trajectory approach. PLoSONE, 18(12): e0292522. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0292522
Further self-compassion research by Kristin Neff and colleagues arranged chronologically, alphabetically and by topic