Secure attachments are supported by HEARTS

Suggesting that monogamous people might want to read a book geared to people who are ethically non-monogamous (ENM) isn’t all that different than sharing a parenting book written with straight couples in mind to a queer family or offering a cookbook with meat recipes to a vegetarian, is it? Because I think it’s fair to say that if I could recommend one book on understanding attachment to anyone looking to support and deepen their relationships, be it my polyam/EMN clients or my clients who are monogamous, it would be Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by psychotherapist Jessica Fern (1). It is intentional, clear, compassionate and affirming for quite possibly anyone who wants to better connect to themselves and the most important people around them.

The theory

If attachment theory is new to you, welcome to a concept that I hope is as enlightening for you as it has been for me! Attachment theory was developed in the mid-1900s (so it’s a wonder to me that most of us didn’t learn about it explicitly as kids). Over time, it has become widely accepted as a way to understand how people learn to behave in relationships throughout life (2). Attachment theory suggests that the “mental models” we form in early childhood—about ourselves and others—shape our relational approaches as adults.

When a child’s emotional needs are met consistently, they are more likely to develop a secure attachment. If caregivers don’t respond reliably, the child may develop an insecure attachment (2). Insecure attachment can show up in three main patterns:

• Anxious (seen in adults as preoccupied)

• Avoidant (seen in adults as dismissive)

• Disorganized (can be described as fearful-avoidant) (1; 3)

It’s helpful to understand how these different insecure patterns can relate to how we perceive ourselves and behave toward others. If we are insecurely attached, we might also experience stress and stigma from society, which can further reduce opportunities for secure connection and positive outcomes (4; 5). Parents’ attachment styles often reflect patterns they learned in their own families of origin (6).

Attachment security also matters for mental health. Research consistently links secure attachment with better stress resilience, optimism, confidence, self-esteem, curiosity, and a stronger sense of belonging (3). Secure individuals are often better able to handle uncertainty, open up to others, manage difficult emotions, and adapt their thinking when life is challenging. Studies also suggest that after traumatic experiences, people with secure attachment tend to recover and grow more effectively (3).

In contrast, insecure attachment is linked with a higher risk of emotional and psychological difficulties. For example, it is associated with depression and emotion regulation struggles. Anxious (preoccupied)attachment is often connected with interpersonal pain such as fear of abandonment, loneliness, helplessness, and grief, and it may present as pursuing your partner more than they initiate connection. Avoidant (dismissive) attachment may be expressed in ways that look “achievement-focused,” such as self-criticism, perfectionism, and a tendency toward rigid independence, and it can show up as resistance to address issues, commit to plans, follow up, etc. (7).

Attachment theory also describes two key roles. A secure base is an attachment figure with whom we have a solid enough foundation that they help us feel confident enough to explore unfamiliar situations with curiosity (1; 3; 8). A safe haven is someone we can go to for comfort when we feel threatened or alarmed (1; 8). Ideally, parents can provide these functions for children, and partners can provide them for each other.

The application

One of the most valuable takeaways from Fern’s book, or the accompanying workbook (9) if that’s more accessible to you, is the HEARTS acronym she’s created to help guide and cultivate security in your relationships. The letters stand for:

• ‍H - Here: being present with our partner(s)

• E - Expressed delight: letting your partner(s) know what’s meaningful to you about them and your shared connection

• A - Attunement: turning towards and understanding our partner(s)

• R - Rituals and Routines: actions that promote reliability with our partner(s)

• T - Turning towards after conflict: seeking to reconnect after a disconnection

• S - Secure attachment with Self: having a positive relationship with ourselves supports healthy connections with others

Here

Presence —being with your partner—means so much for our sense of stability. Being face-to-face and available for touch fosters bonding and the sense that we are cared for. You can’t build attachment with someone who’s not around — literally and figuratively. If you’re on a date or enjoying a meal with someone you adore, you want to have the felt sense that you are sharing the experience, and not that their attention is pulled towards a screen or communication with/thoughts of someone else. If we are struggling to be present, naming it is likely kinder towards our partner than faking it.

Expressed delight

To have affirmed from someone meaningful to us that they not only take pleasure in what we do, but also in who we are, supports our self-esteem within the relationship. Naming our appreciation, gratitude, and how much we value our person (people) results in them feeling seen and adored. Recently, the day after a date, I texted the person I’d been out with a little list of the highlights of the previous evening for me. They responded that the list really made their day, and we both felt good. Humans like to be reminded why they’ve been chosen, and what qualities others see in them that are special.

Attunement

Research on attachment suggests that when we don’t get early emotional responsiveness as a child, we may later struggle to regulate our emotions (10). If we couldn’t form a secure bond with our main caregiver, we may come to feel that we are often unsafe—even when we’re not. Over time, our nervous system may stay “on alert,” making it harder for us to calm down and shift out of a threat response. As a result, we may move through the world in a defensive way, whether danger is actually present or not. These kinds of interactions may happen below conscious awareness, but they can still influence the body—sometimes felt as a “gut feeling,” anxiety, or a sudden sense of urgency.

A partner’s steady, supportive presence can strengthen the relationship and help us feel safer. (Therapists can also aim to show up for clients in this way.) Polyvagal theory explains that our regulation works in both directions: the brain can shape the body (top-down), and the body can also influence the brain (bottom-up). Helping a partner feel safer asks us to endeavour to consistently communicate openness and steadiness—being present in a calm, grounded, and reassuring way (10). It’s not realistic to expect this from anyone all the time, but it’s something to work at.

Routines and Rituals

What we do on the regular affirms our ability to show up reliably. There is a sense of comfort that comes from generally knowing what we can expect. When religion was more central to Western society, families were grounded in expressing gratitude before meals and reciting nightly prayers, or the weekly honouring of the sabbath and attendance at church/mosque/temple. As many of us these days are more secularly oriented, routines and rituals may be ones we create ourselves, honouring rites of passage, accomplishments, anniversaries, and/or changing seasons or the cycles of the moon, etc.

Turning towards after conflict

Every relationship has ruptures. Repairs are more easily made when we can be open to collaboration. Successful relationships aren’t those without conflict, but the ones that promptly and skillfully address the conflict (11). Being critical or shutting down only serve to drive wedges into a relationship.

Secure attachment with Self

Knowing and honouring ourselves positively impacts our relationships with others. Sometimes one of the best questions we can ask ourselves is what we can do to meet our own needs, instead of looking outside ourselves for the fix.

No matter if you have a primary partnership, multiple partners, or no partner, if you want to strengthen a friendship or a relationship within your family, I hope that HEARTS can help you heal any relational trauma and nourish more secure attachment moving forward. And, of course, if you would like support with healing attachment wounds and strengthening relationships going forward, please reach out.

References

1. Fern, J. (2020). Polysecure: Attachment, trauma and consensual nonmonogamy. Thorntree Press.

2. Ainsworth, M. S. (1989). Attachments beyond infancy. American Psychologist, 44(4), 709–716. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.44.4.709

3. Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. The Guilford Press.

4. Coppola, J., Gangamma, R., & Hartwell, E. (2021). “We’re just two people in a relationship”: A qualitative exploration of emotional bond and fairness experiences between transgender women and their cisgender partners. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 47(3), 648–663. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12467

5. Dansby Olufowote, R. A., Fife, S. T., Schleiden, C., & Whiting, J. B. (2020). How can I become more secure?: A grounded theory of earning secure attachment. Journal of Marital & Family Therapy, 46(3), 489–506.

6. Slay-Westbrook, S. (2017). Respect-focused therapy: Honoring clients through the therapeutic relationship and process. Routledge.

7. Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, R. P. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.

8. Wallin, D. J. (2007). Attachment in psychotherapy. The Guilford Press.

9. Fern, J. (2022). The polysecure workbook: Healing your attachment and creating security in loving relationships. Thornapple Press.

10. Geller, S. M., & Porges, S. W. (2021). Therapeutic presence: Neurophysiological mechanisms mediating feeling safe in therapeutic relationships. In S. W. Porges (Ed), Polyvagal safety: Attachment, communication, self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.

11. Gottman, J., Gottman, J. S., Abrams, D. C., & Abrams, R. C. (2018). Eight dates: Essential conversations for a lifetime of love. Workman Publishing Company.